One year on

Hello friends!

Today is the anniversary of starting this blog, and my boss fight with cancer. 

I have to admit, that's never a sentence I thought I would ever say. In fact, I never thought that I would get cancer. I was an active, relatively healthy person (apart from my eating habits at work), and if I was unwell would try my hardest to work through it. Cancer is more common than we think, and with my blog I wanted to document my journey, and hopefully enable people to talk more freely about it.

A year ago I received my cancer diagnosis. Which you can read my first blog post by clicking me (it will open in a new window), shortly after lockdown started in the UK, due to the global covid-19 pandemic. I had been off sick from work for about a week at this point and from then onward, I was shielding for almost 8 months. Lockdown had eased for the summer, but I was still receiving treatment, and didn't get my "all clear" until November. 

I returned to work in December, on a phased return to slowly build myself back up. I had a new role to start, and I had waited almost 12 months to be able to jump back in. I applied for a store manager position before I was off sick, but because of cancer, I didn't officially start until this week. 

It's a bit surreal to think that 12 months ago I was unimaginably ill. I'm still not 100%, and unlikely that I will be. However, I'm here and trying to do the best I can with what I have. I don't think I really understood how unwell I was back then. 

Everything had build up slowly over time. The majority of the symptoms I had, I could attribute to other things. I didn't really notice the change due to the slow build up of symptoms. I can see it now, looking back with a clear mind. I was really unwell. I honestly don't know how I functioned at the beginning of 2020. I was working full time, grabbing every opportunity I could as I felt I needed to prove myself, and trying to help others achieve their goals. All the time I was in constant pain, my body wasn't functioning like it should and after each shift I would go home and climb into bed exhausted but unable to sleep properly due to the pain. I then saw my GP who referred me to the local hospital for tests, which lead to diagnosis and the treatment plan.

As time went on through my brutal but necessary treatment, the pain decreased then vanished as the cancer shrunk, while I was undergoing radiotherapy, chemotherapy and brachytherapy. When that was done, it wasn't the end of the battle. I was weak, exhausted and bodily functions were poor. I had to build myself back up. I underestimated how hard this would be. I was walking laps around the garden when I could, but I spent most of my time sat down as I was so exhausted. This would end up being a very slow climb.

Not just physically, but mentally I was drained. Just driving a short distance in the car would take all the mental energy I could find. If it was in the evening, it was so incredibly difficult. I wouldn't be able to hold a conversation or listen to music as my brain just couldn't focus on more than one thing. Reversing to park the car would take so much concentration. I'd get home and fatigue would hit me like a brick wall. Trying to understand simple instructions would get me so annoyed as well. It was so frustrating, it took so much energy to not hit rock bottom. I knew I had to keep a positive mindset, and the focus was on getting through each day, and eventually it would end. As time went on I felt like everything that made me "me", had been taken away. However, I've got some amazing people around me who helped remind me that this was only temporary, and I will get better. 

2020 is the year we have time to learn something new while we were all stuck at home. This was all I kept seeing in social media. There was so much unnecessary pressure on people to do something to be better. I wasn't in the position to do that, but what it did give me was time to realise the value in having amazing people around you. Not only to support you when you hit a low, but be your advocates, your cheerleaders. Help you see that you can achieve the smallest of milestones, and it's still a victory. I've not seen 99% of my friends and family, but I feel closer to them all now, than ever before. Not because I had the big "C", but because we've made time to check in and be really honest with each other. Yes it's made me realise that I need to take care of myself, and I still have work to do on that. It's realising we're being true to ourselves and each other. What we really value from life, and what makes us happy. It's given me more focus on what truly matters, and for that, I have to thank cancer for its small part in that.

".. it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me and I'm feeling good.."

As always, stay safe, stay well and look out for each other x x